Going back to work.

It is quickly nearing time for me to return to work. I was able to take just 6 weeks off of work. I would love to have taken off much more..heck, I'd love to be able to stay at home with Callie. We waited 9 years to start our family and if I could have stayed at home, we would have started much much earlier. Because being a working mom is hard work. Being a mom at all is hard work. Let me just tell you how much I know that now! Whether you work or stay home, it's all hard.

I am very, very nervous about Monday morning. I'm nervous for many, many reasons. Of course, there is the obvious reason of being anxious about leaving our sweet girl with strangers. They will not be strangers for long...I know that, but right now, they are strangers. I mean, I've met them. I know that our daycare is great. I know they will take care of her. BUT. But, they are not mommy and daddy. I hate that. I want to keep her home with me forever.

Then there is the part that REALLY kills me. The part where I will miss Callie tremendously while I am working. Missing moments of snuggling during the day.

Oh my, I will miss these afternoon moments. I realize I can have these moments still on the evenings and weekends, but I love having these moments at 2 in the afternoon!

Another thing that makes me sad about returning to work is that I feel like I will miss Callie's happiest time of the day. She starts to get very fussy and cries quite a bit more after 5pm than she does at any of time of the day. Do the math--that is just about the time we will start our time with her each day. That makes me sad. I am hoping she outgrows that and starts to have calmer evenings.

I am also nervous about my lack of sleep. I get quite a bit of daytime sleep right now. In fact, I sleep when Callie sleeps each and every day until she wakes up for her 11am feeding. So, I really get a good amount of sleep, even if it is interrupted. That is all about to change!

But, the thing that gives me the most anxiety right now is how in the world will I ever get up and around and out of the house on time?!? How? I figure I will need 2 hours to get myself ready and to feed Callie. That means waking up at 4:45!! Yikes! And sometimes her night feeding takes place from 3:30-4:30 which means I would just need to stay awake after nursing her at that time! WHAT?! And the whole scheduling of it all just about makes my head hurt. What if she wakes up at 4am instead and then need to eat right in the middle of our drive to work? (Her daycare is near my work...our school district has a daycare for staff kids and so she will ride with me to work each day.) What then? I really hate for her to scream in the car. It hurts my heart just about worse than my head! So, then I think that I need to start giving her a morning bottle so my husband can give it to her...but I will still need to pump and I don't really know that I want her having one more bottle each day. Then I think it's silly that I worry about that part of it at all!

Not to mention all the things I need to pack for her each day! Whew! swaddle, bottles, MILK, extra clothes, clothes (if I take her in her pjs), diapers, wipes, diaper bag...and I'm sure there's more that I will undoubtedly forget on Monday morning! I know I'm being a bit dramatic here perhaps, but I really have a lot of anxiety over it.

I just really need Monday morning to get here and for it to pass! But, then again, I just really need Monday morning to never get here at all. That way I can enjoy daytime snuggles forever!

awwwwww.....
:)